It’s that time…Time to start thinking about swimsuits and hair removal. Are you a shaver? Do you depilatory cream yourself? Maybe you have lasered it all off. Or, maybe you are a waxer. I happen to be a shaver. Why you ask? This is based on a bikini wax experience I had. I had been waxing for a while and would say I was fine with a neat and trim landing strip. But then, then I decided I was gone go bare. Brazilian waxing bare. I was at the beginning of my mid life crisis, (which still continues, Tattoo and purple hair post coming soon) and did I mention I was on vacation with one of my dearest friends,… in Mexico?
So after an initial shot of tequila I booked the appointment. How brave I felt! I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR! My friend, we will call her ‘Jane’, simply laughed and shrugged as my antics are not new. I tend to bust out with ideas sometimes and well, madness ensues. Ask Jane about the hotel in LA where I attempted to drug her, ‘for her own good’….
Anyway the time has arrived for my Spa appointment. Now let me be clear, yes I was in Mexico, but not Tijuana, Mexico. Not scary, strip mall waxing salon Mexico. I was at a 5 star resort with a beautiful spa. I take several tequila shots on my way and Jane says she will meet me for her manicure appointment in a bit. Spa day for me….ahhhhhh. I walk in, and am escorted through a lovely, yummy scented, spa walkway, into a room and it is locked behind me. Odd, but OK…It was a big room. Not a small, semi dark, intimate spa room. A big three spa-bed room. For threesome massages maybe? And its bright. Very bright. Like bright as bright can be. No ambiance in here at all. I am asked to disrobe from the waist down. No paper panties for this gal getting her brazillian! Naked as a jaybird for Lucia to see. I hop on the table and she gives me a privacy blanket. I’m thinking, why do I need privacy? I’m not having a c-section? At this point I’m told to spread ’em… in Spanish. She then takes a light, an overhead light, and shines it right on my hooha. She stars to mumble, again in Spanish, and she has this furrowed brow. I’m starting to think this is a bad idea, but the Jose Cuervo is still making me calm as it courses through my veins. She starts to trim, shave, and snip. At least I think as much, as I have said privacy screen. Then comes the wax. Now as stated, I’m not new to waxing so I was prepared. or so I thought.
She puts the first glob of wax on and it seems a bit hot. I’m not too worried, probably should have been, but again Jose Cuervo is clouding my judgement. And then she rips. And I am blind. Blinded by pain. I am no longer aware of the bright lights in this ridiculous spa room, or the fact that a woman whom speak no english is pretty much diving into my lady parts. She continues to do her job, and deep in my nether regions I am sure I am bleeding or losing a labia. I’m frozen, and in shock. I have no impulse to move for some reason. She keeps ripping and keeps that furrowed brow of hers, as she shifts me into various positions. All of a sudden she starts getting upset, yelling in Spanish, and she runs to the door, unlocks it, and starts yelling “Renee!” “Renee!”. She asks him for something in Spanish with a sense of urgency that convinces me I must now have a gaping wound down there. After several minutes, and another shout or two, Renee comes into the room with cold wet towels…and ice. Did I mention I’m in the brightest, biggest room ever with my business splayed out all over a table? Renee takes a peek and mumbles something in Spanish to Lucia’ as he pats me on the arm assuring me I will be ok. I am not reassured.
Now please understand that all the while I am being tortured in a Mexican spa room that resembles an operating room, Jane is right outside having a simply lovely manicure experience. A llittle Essie ‘Marshmallow’ on her nails and a chat with the manicurist. She has heard the ripping. She has heard the yelling for Renee, and is well aware that I have been in this locked room for almost an hour.
Finally Lucia starts to say to me something about being ‘done’. I can get up now and feel free to use the spa amenities. She walks me to the door and closes it behind me. I’m face to face with Jane who starts laughing at me until tears are running down her face. We finish up her pretty little fingers and off we go to the pool, passing Renee along the way, whom wishes me a nice afternoon. I relay my story to Jane and I swear I’ve never seen her laugh so hard in 10 years of friendship.
Lets be clear, every single time I peed following this experience, I was re-traumatised as I was bald and reminded of the whole debacle. Not to mention after a brazillian wax when you pee it sprays everywhere… Let me tell you, I haven’t waxed since. I’m now a dedicated shaver. I shave everything nice and neat and that’s the way it’s gonna stay. Maybe I should have gotten up. Maybe I should have been concerned with the door locking, or the fact that I was in an operating room. Maybe the call for Renee should have been a sign. Amazing what a few shots of tequila can do to one’s judgement isn’t it?